LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
