I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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