tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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