I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
