Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
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