by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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