Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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