We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
