1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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