just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
A+ Viking dick
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
