Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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