Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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