I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
