Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
