winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize