I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
