Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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