Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize