He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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