don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Randomize
