every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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