Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
