On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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