you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
