Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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