Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
