the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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