The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize