I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
jump out the window naked night went bad
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
