I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
