Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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