WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
