3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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