Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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