So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
