Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
