i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
