just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
