Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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