Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
