i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize