In the future we'll all be gay
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
