when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
