i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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