My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
