Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
