we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
