She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
