The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
