I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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