i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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