Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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