My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
me + whiskey = a bad person
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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