What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
