I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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