no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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