I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
