Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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