I want a grilled cheese and an IV
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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