youre lurking in front of me
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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