I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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